10 Things That Happen on Every Series of The Apprentice

Alan Sugar is back on his massive boardroom chair, the king of all that he surveys in his self-made kingdom of car aerials, Tottenham Hotspurs and Labour peerages. He’s ready for his twelfth (yes, twelfth!) outing pointing his finger and crushing people’s grandiose dreams.

Since its inception as a smart BBC2 business show to the glamorous, dramatic, theatrical offering it has evolved into today, one thing has remained constant. No, not the actress who ushers the terrified business minds into the boardroom, or the sycophants by Sugar’s side. There are certain things that happen every series that make watching the Apprentice almost as sure as playing a game of bingo.

Here are 10 things that happen every series of The Apprentice.

Someone will come out of the gate bragging about their ability only to fall at the first hurdle: The first episode is the one to get past to even tell people you were on The Apprentice. Nobody wants to be that bad that they leave first. But, the first words out of someone’s mouth will undoubtedly be high self-praise as bright as their foreheads will get under the glare of the boardroom. This person will then eat those words in the nasty little polystyrene trucker’s café when they are the reason for the failure of the task. They will go home, spending the taxi ride explaining why they are still the greatest. Where are they now? Probably telling their friends and family how badly the episode was edited and how they did manage that sale.

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He didn’t win…100 Million percent.

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She wasn’t able to get past Week 6.

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Well, he did win, so we’ll give him that.

Everyone will pass the buck: The favourite phrase of wannabe apprentices has to be ‘he/she passed the buck’. There seems to be a baton of bad ideas and failure that the team sporadically relay to one another throughout the task and when the clock runs out and they learn they’ve failed, everyone desperately tries to remember who skirted which task to try to stay safe.

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“Which one of these idiots am I going to pin this mess on? Maybe the one in the tiara?”

The best pitcher will do terrible at pitching: Someone will announce their pitching pedigree. They were magna-cum-laude and valedictorian at university; they spend each day publically speaking to more people than Kim Jong-Un; they have given more speeches than every branch of the Toastmasters General ever. And then they will stand before the panel to pitch their product…and fail epically, dramatically and embarrassingly. Excellent television.

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Like this time they tried to pitch a free magazine to the over-60s called Hip Replacement.

Someone will ‘rub everyone up the wrong way’: Another favourite Apprentice saying. The show seems to find people who you will never come across in real life, and throws them all together, and the one ‘character’ whose obnoxiousness radiates through their pores the most becomes the one that the others decide is doing someone wrong rubbing. Most of the Apprentice candidates would not pass the 30-second elevator test, but one of them just seems to be such a terrible, awful human being that the other slightly less terrible, awful human beings pinpoint all the terrible, awfulness on them.

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Stuart Baggs, the Brand, the greatest Apprentice candidate ever (RIP) clashed with his fair share of competitors.

Karren will give a lot of side-eye: Shady Brady will return for her 7th series (beating her predecessor Margaret Mountford, ah simpler times) to dish out calm platitudes, to masterfully dress down the cocky candidates and to provide enough side-eye to the camera to rival Jim from The Office. Savvy candidates will know to look to Karren once they’ve suggested an idea. If she’s scowling at the camera, it’s a bad idea.

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There will be one or two genuinely competent people: Sugar won’t just throw his £100,000 investment away (he might?) so the producers obviously find one or two genuinely competent people who can carry the clucking driftwood through the business version of The Hunger Games and provide some actual business acumen to learn from. They can usually be spotted very early on.

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Aussie Mark Wright when he realised he was easily going to win, Week 1.

There will be a lot of ridiculous people: Without having to cast your mind back too far, the latest few instalments presented us with a crash course in buffoonery. Last year alone we had Ruth, who liked to dress like a Battenberg cake; Dan who suggested naming the team the Sugar Babes; Mergim who tried to sell fish to a vegan café; and Selina who grumbled and complained all the way through (and after). Ridiculous people will butt heads, and this is probably why we watch. It’s a classier version of Jeremy Kyle, but where they sometimes sell sausages and candles.

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Ruth, the human version of a Battenberg.

There will be shock firings: Remember that time he fired someone before they even made it to the final boardroom? Remember that time he fired two people? Remember that time he fired all three people? Remember all those other shock firings? Ok, so maybe at this stage they are less shock firings and more a game of ‘How Many People Will Make It to Jack Dee’s After-show This Week?’.

There will be unnecessary topless shots: A show won’t do well unless there’s gratuitous sexiness in it. I’m just worried this trend will transfer over to Eggheads.

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“Dress for the boardroom? I thought you said bedroom.”

Everyone will claim they can do the tasks better: I’m looking at you, reader. Every single viewer will utter, will think or will boldly shout ‘I could do that’, ‘Why don’t they try this…’ ‘That’s easy’. Because perhaps what it worse than the people on TV thinking they can do business tasks is people at home thinking they can do better. We are all as bad as each other. Let’s just sit down, grab a cup of tea, prepare the betting pools and wait for the DUH-DUH-DUHHH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUUUUH

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“You mug, you’re fired!”

The Apprentice starts on Thursday 6th October.

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10 Possible Bake Off Replacements

The news is out, the tears have been shed and it’s time to dust the flour away, turn the proving drawer off and toss the ceramic baking beads. Bake Off has left the BBC. The deliciously named Mary Berry has left with it, and no doubt the new channel will feature sudden death macaron offs, nomination cupcake roulette, and live twists that will see bakers rise from the dead and points given for the ability to dance your way to the judging table keeping your pastries in-tact.

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So, with Bake Off receiving its own equivalent of a soggy bottom, what can the Beeb do now to get a whole country watching on Wednesday nights?

Here’s a rundown of 10 possible Bake Off replacements:

  1. Is This Bridge Strong Enough with June Sarpong?

To galvanise an entire nation into structural engineering, how about a show that features a roving group of wannabe bridge maintenance workers attempting to see how many heavy vehicles can be driven across bridges before they collapse? Points will be awarded for ingenuity and the ability to wear a hard hat.

  1. The Great British BBQ Off

Keeping with the Great British Bake Off theme, the Great British BBQ Off will feature Mary Berry and popular frequent food competitor Adam Richman judging a group of amateur BBQ enthusiasts on what they can grill on their grilles.

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  1. Decoupage Diaries

Ten elderly women, ten baskets of paper, ten weeks to create the most intricate of cut-outs, only one winner. Who will fall asleep first – the contestants of the viewer? Forecast: death by paper cut-outs.

7. B*tches in St*tches 

To tie-in with Crufts, how about a show that models dogs in different styles of knitwear. I’d be especially looking forward to Formal Week where the pooches are wrangled into tuxedos and ballgowns to pose for the society pages. The winner is the dog who bites back the least when being swaddled in the various woollen garbs.

  1. Who’s Line Is It Anyway?

No, not another British version of the popular improv show. Who’s Line Is It Anyway will be a hard-hitting look at drug rehabilitation centres. A cash prize will be awarded for whoever can ditch the drugs the fastest. The show will open with the narrator asking ‘Who’s line is it anyway?’ and the contestants, in front of a jaunty background, screaming in unison ‘Not mine!’. Presented by Matt Baker and Konnie Huq.

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  1. The Great British Rationing Off

Mary Berry is too lovable to lose from our screens, so obviously the Bake Off replacement should revolve around her. How about a show that features a group of ten big spenders having to ration everything from soap to sunflower oil. Mary can give her own personal rationing anecdotes and give viewers a taste of her life outside the world of rich sugary treats. Whoever saves the most wins a year’s supply of tinned goods courtesy of Prince’s.

  1. The Great British British Off

Ten British people are given deep genealogical and genetic profiling to determine which one can be classed as the most ‘British’. As would be predicted, the viewership will consist heavily of people who think things were ‘better back in the day’. The contestants will have a combined tooth total of around 100.

  1. Who Can Stay On Their Phone the Longest?

What are people good at nowadays? Not texting back and being on their phones constantly are the highest ranking skills of millennials, so why not combine the two and feature ten savvy young people sitting on their phones until they physically can’t any longer.

  1. The Great British Wait Off

Mary Berry hosts a show in which ten people have to sit in the Bake Off tent waiting for the show to start. The catch? That is the show. Whoever is the most patient at waiting wins the star waiter award. The technical challenge involves waiting in a line for the bathroom.

  1. The Great British Mary Berry

Mary Berry is alone in the Bake Off tent and we watch her potter about, bake some buns, chat to her cat and just smile and be a lovable human. With the occasional wink to the camera whenever she makes a saucy pun. I predict high ratings. The perfect viewing for anyone who loves procrastination.

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There we go, a list of what to expect on Wednesdays at 8pm on BBC One. Alternatively, they could remake Waterloo Road. I don’t think they ever had a tornado hit the school, so why not start with that. Must-see TV there.

To see more completely logical programming ideas I have had, check out my list of 10 Sequels I Want to See.

 

 

Job Hunting is Awkward

If I were to liken job hunting to something I would probably liken it to being thrown in at the deep end of a pool in order to learn to ride a bike. It is an endless cycle of applying, mentally planning what to wear to work, to take to lunch, which of my co-workers I’ll actively avoid, and then the rejection. Like a hamster stuck on an eternal wheel. Am I doing something wrong? Did someone sneak the word ‘tits’ somewhere into my CV? Whatever the case, it’s hard, I don’t like it, and the pay-off will undoubtedly not be worth all the work.

  • “We have found someone with better social media skills” – I’m sorry, what? I once had 250 likes on a tweet. I am followed by two Real Housewives. I send all the required snapchats: meals, pictures of my cat, filtered selfies of me as a dog.
  • “We require someone with a passion for serving food and beverages.” – Not sure about this one. Am I supposed to beam with pride as I hand my mum a cup of tea. Does anyone have mad passion for serving food?
  • “Give an example of when you lead a team successfully.” – When did I lead a team successfully? I’m 22. I have had minimal work experience. I’m sure if I had experience leading a team successfully I wouldn’t be applying for a job to file and make tea.
  • “Must be enthusiastic” – Maybe a few months ago I would’ve been bouncing around the office breathing in the smell of stale coffee and photocopies, but at this point I have as much enthusiasm as a piece of toast.
  • “Minimum 1 year experience” – I’m fairly sure in a month of working the same job, you’re experienced enough to check that off the list and move on. Let alone being an experienced assistant for a year only to move onto another assistant role. It’s probably not that hard. They used to let people drive cars without learning to drive, I’m sure I can learn basic Excel on my feet.
  • “What makes you different.” – You know what? Nothing. Nothing does. I’ve watched Making a Murderer, I enjoy the cold side of the pillow, I’ve done a juice fast, I like when people text back quickly, I’m literally the same as most other people. Maybe that’s what makes me different?

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    Job Application #567: I have pretty much given up at this point

2015: Another Year of Being Awkward

Nobody actually cares what anyone else has done with their year

Because unless you were that guy who went to space or that guy who jumped back down from space, you’ve probably not done anything that exciting. Oh you went on a life-changing holiday that nobody else understands because it’s so unique to you, come on, we’ve all seen The Inbetweeners 2, we know what it’s like, you ain’t special.

So, this isn’t a newsletter rundown of my experience of 2015; a whirlwind of letting my mum cut my hair, drinking 127/365 days, writing a novel, dipping my toe in the working world only to run away back to dry, safe land, starting and ending a downward spiral of despair, and attempting to grow facial hair.

And this isn’t a desperate grab for the ‘new year, new me, gonna get into blogging and become the next Zoella’ (though I’m open to doing that, hit me up, I could review products and say I like them and use them everyday, sure). And it’s not a list of recommended books, films, songs etc., because the list would probably just be Justin Bieber, who needs no recommendation #belieber.

Instead, here are 10 life lessons I learned in 2015:

  1. If you go to a known haunted location and someone says someone’s going to be touched by a ghost and you feel something on your back, it’s probably a ghost who will follow you around for life.
  2. If a Syrian man you meet in the sea in Turkey asks you to swim out to Syria with him, probably don’t, however friendly he seems. It’s a long way.
  3. If you’re going as fancy dress to anything, it’s best to choose something that people will know. Turns out nobody knows what the Jolly Swagman from Waltzing Matilda actually looks like. And wearing just boxers is not the best choice all the time.
  4. Leave your job if a) you have nothing to do for three weeks b) the other staff members talk smack about you c) you spend twenty minutes a day staring/dancing in the mirror in the bathroom.
  5. If you find a mysterious room full of quilts and pillows, that’s the universe telling you to hunker down and have a nap there (and maybe take one home with you).
  6. Despite going to the gym 113 days of the year, I am still technically obese.
  7. The more taxi drivers you argue with, the more likely you are to have to walk home from town (but complimenting their air freshener is a surefire way of buttering them up and getting a free gift).
  8.  Minesweeping drinks sometimes doesn’t end as well as you think – but don’t stop trying.
  9. Don’t drive past a cat home if you’re feeling broody, because you’ll come away with a cat.
  10. Acknowledging yourself for all your hard work may not ingratiate you to the lecturer, but you gotta shout out to your one and only, holla me. Also didn’t stop me passing my Masters with an esteemed mark of distinction. Well done, me, you earned it.

Here’s to attempting to smile and wave my way through 2016.

A Definitive Ranking of Every Day of the Week

When I came to write this list I didn’t realise the mammoth task that was laid out before me. I could’ve turned back. Could’ve saved myself several hours debating the pros and cons of each and every day, seeing them in a new light, really thinking about it. But I knew that the world needed to know the definitive ranking of every day of the week. So here it is. You’re welcome.

Special Mentions:

Christmas Day – Because Christmas Day is always the best regardless of when it is (December, or another month)

Independence Day – Because Will Smith + aliens = a great day for everyone

Daniel Day-Lewis – Because there definitely would be no blood without D D-L.

David Van Day – Everyone’s favourite member of Dollar

The List:

7. Tuesday: Tuesday is the worst day that ever could have happened. Why do we still allow it to exist?

6. Wednesday: Purely for Wednesday Addams, the actual day, commonly named ‘hump day’, is much like a camel’s hump – redundant except for the holding of water for long desert walks.

 5Thursday: It’s not Tuesday or Wednesday, people begin to really slack on Thursday. They’re ‘over the hump’ and can more easily convince themselves they could get through this day and then take Friday off.

 4. Sunday: A lot of people highly rate Sunday which was difficult for the list ranking, but I feel Sunday is a day for shame and regret and trying to collect yourself mentally and physically for the beginning of the next week.

3. Monday: Controversial, but Monday gets a lot of flak, and a lot of people would go as far to say that they hate Monday! (42% in an independent survey*) Now I believe that there is a thin line between love and hate and maybe Monday is the object of your affection that you’re endlessly mean to but in a nice way because deep down you like them. Plus, Monday gets a lot of publicity, and there’s no such thing as bad publicity (except for if you ask SeaWorld).

2. Friday: There’s a reason that TGI Friday’s are called TGI Friday’s, and that’s not because the franchise proprietor was named Friday. Friday is like winding down for Christmas, almost anything goes. Plus Rebecca Black and Katy Perry paved the way for a lot of Friday loving.

1.Saturday: The only day of the week that the majority of people get to get up late without consequence and can go to bed late and sleep in without consequence. Any day with consequence –less sleep and consequence-less drinking is obviously going to score highly.

*There was no survey, but I feel this is probably right.

10 Sequels I’m Looking Forward to Seeing

Sequels are a double-edged sword: on one hand they’re a chance to see your favourite characters again, to watch them continue to grow and develop, on the other hand they’re an obvious ploy by the studio to milk some much loved characters for more money. Sequels are the perfect viewing for the lazy film watcher, and as such, here are ten sequels I am looking forward to lazily watching.

10. Final Destination 13: Death Takes Miami – Death’s already tired of killing dopey accident-prone teens so he hits Cabo for Spring Break in order to find himself and feel alive. But will the girl who’s eyes he locks across the bar be his final destination?

9. Ocean’s 24.9 Million – After the success of The Interview, George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts take on their biggest heist yet, with the help of 24.9 million North Koreans in a bid to overthrow Kim Jong-un during the Supreme Leader’s annual cocktail party.

8. Ice Age 75 – By now Sid, Manny and Diego have gone through so many iterations of ice ages that they’re in the 1970s, attempting to make it big with disco, while keeping their cool.

7. The Hangover 61: Alan’s Intervention – Stu, Phil and Doug gather in Vegas, where they are waiting for Alan with letters about why this hangover should be his last and how he needs help for his blackout drinking problem.

6. Somali Pirates of the Caribbean – It’s unknowable how many plotless iterations of that one Disneyland ride there have been at this point, but modern day has caught up with Jack Sparrow (onto his third recasting) and he is forced to do battle with the actual pirates off the coast of Somalia.

5. Mission Probably Actually Possible – By now, after successfully completing hundreds of ‘impossible’ missions, Tom Cruise decides that he is actually a pretty good spy/agent/policeman(?) and that he is probably going to be able to complete this one. 3.5 stars.

4. (Bye Bye) American Pie – In the final installment, and after many summers of antics and catching venereal diseases, the gang gathers for Stifler’s funeral, after he succumbed to consumption from fatal syphilis.

3. Die Hard 128 – John McClane has gone from a regular guy attempting to save his family on Christmas to an unstoppable immortal being, half-robot, half-man.

2. Step Up 543 – Having already gone through every single type of family tragedy paired with every single style of dance, the producers have reached the stage of just filming the awkward dancers on nights out. The film was praised by critics who called it an art piece.

1. Sharknado 3: This isn’t a joke, this is actually happening and I cannot wait. The acting is Oscar-worthy (I’m looking at you, Tara Reid), the special effects are unbelievable and Malcolm in the freaking Middle will be in it. The rise of good-terrible films is upon us.

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(Look at that, that’s what Hollywood is about)

Check out the next blog installment, 10 Sequels I’m Looking Forward to Seeing (Part 2) – ha, ha just kidding.

Ten Awkward Things About the Gym

If you know me, you know that I often like to attend the gym (you’ll also know I talk about it about twice as much as I actually go – if I went as much as I talked about it, I’d probably look like Arnie). And, while I do enjoy the process of ‘pumping iron’ and ‘getting hench’, there’s an awful lot that is wrong with the gym as an institution, and to outline this, I’m going to talk about it more instead of getting up and exercising.

Ten Awkward Things About the Gym

10. Too Many Peacocks – No, not the colourful birds that like to flap their tail feathers about like they’re the shit, but the gym goer equivalent. Those guys who have a pair of best gym shorts and wear their most expensive snapbacks, do a few bicep curls, strut around the whole length of the free weights area ‘stretching’, then sit on their phone taking photos in the mirror. I’m not sure whether they’re there to convince everyone else how cool and hench they are, or whether they think gym progress can be translated into selfies taken on the bench.

9. What, You Think You’re Better Than Me? – One step down from the peacock parade are those guys that are in every gym who think they’re just better than you, and they let you know it, and they know that you know that they think they’re better than you. That’s how they get their power. The kind of guy who’ll ask to take turns on the pulley and then crank the weight limit up to double what you were using just to show they can and then loudly state that they’ve moved the limit back for you (This happened to me once). My only thought back to them is that if they’re so fit already that they can look down on the less fit, then why are they even there?

8. Squad Rack – It’s great to go to the gym alone. It’s also great going with a friend, giving each other encouragement and ‘spotting’ for each other. It’s not great when a group of about five guys, or ‘the squad’, rock up, and like under some kind of greater squad rule, only one of the five can actually do any exercise at any one time, while the rest of the crew sit around, kick their heels and compare their favourite Jack Wills joggers. Kind of like One Direction singing one by one on every song to get their pre-designated time in the spotlight (ooh, too soon?).

7. Gym Butterflies – While it’s great to be sociable and best friends with everyone all the time and just be the most confident person ever, when I’m alone in the gym covered in sweat and being forced to listen to Chris Brown on the radio, I don’t want to be hearing some guy who seems to know everyone flutter from person to person chatting away. Ok, cool, we get it you have 25 million friends, why don’t you go open a friend farm and you’ll make a lot of money. Maybe I’m just envious that I’m a gym caterpillar, slowly shuffling along the leaf, while the butterflies have their time in the sun.

6. Hanging Low and Lazy – If I had a penny for every time I’ve seen an old man naked at the gym, I could open a moderately sized milkshake bar. Maybe it’s something that happens with age that you just like to go loose and let it all hang out? But I can safely say that something I don’t want to see is what can only be described as a dried apricot encasing a grapefruit. No thank you.

5. Awkward Eye Contact – Unless you do go with a pal and are able to converse to ease the awkward tension that builds up from a group of people being in the same room, moving about the room, occasionally grunting, but not speaking to each other, then you’ll have experienced the awkward eye contact. In a room full of mirrors it’s difficult not to catch someone’s eye. The eye contact is simply unavoidable, and unless you stare at the floor or the ceiling, it’s going to happen. What makes it worse is being in a room with people you recognize as regulars and just occasionally locking eyes, only to quickly look away and hope that they move to the leg section (which you know they won’t, because nobody ever does).

4. Awkward Eye Hints – To ante up the awkward eye contact is the awkward eye hints. You’ll have been on the bench for a while, done a few sets, maybe had a bit of a rest, had some water, checked the time so you know when to be home for Pointless, and you’ll notice a guy nearby staring you out. You’ll do another set. The guy will begin to hover around the bench. You both know that he’s eyeing up the bench and wants you to finish, but for some reason it takes an inordinately long time before he eventually comes over and asks how many sets you have left. The answer to this question is normally ‘just the one’, so as not to appear rude to someone who has been drilling a hole in the back of your head, hoping your muscles will fail so he can do his requisite chest press.

3. Gym Texters – The fitness industry is all having a big old laugh at your expense. Hundreds of pounds a year goes into gym memberships, sportswear and protein powder, and a percentage of this comes from those who choose the gym to catch up on their phone. You’ll see people sitting around, maybe checking Twitter, replying to a few snapchats, seeing if anyone new on Tinder was nearby, putting some old PS2 games on eBay, liking an old classmates Maga pics, downloading the new emoji keyboard, calling their Auntie Hilda and before you know it, phew, good workout that. The only muscle that’s been worked is the dominant thumb. Better give it a rest and hands-free your mum on the way home.

2. Grunty McGee – Ok, perhaps it is necessary when lifting weights far heavier than you might need to ever have strength for in real life to grunt occasionally, let the air out, muster the strength to hulk up the next rep, but it’s kind of annoying. I don’t want to see your veins popping and your face going red to then hear you elicit faux sex noises. Just don’t want to, sorry.

1. Anyone Better Than Me – The functional use of attending the gym to lift weights is long gone and most people use the gym to better their bodies to look and feel better in themselves. To be there in the first place is admitting to yourself there’s something missing and that by working out, the value is added back into your life. The gym may as well be made of glass the amount of judgment that goes on inside it. And while there are people who do look down on others who aren’t as big as them, or don’t do as many reps to failure as them, or don’t have as cool a vest as they do, instead of feeling bad that Stedhead Jones thinks he’s better than you, just remind yourself that he wouldn’t be there unless he felt insecure himself. And there’s always a bigger stedhead somewhere who will make Mr Croissant as big as he made you.

If any of the article offended you, you can find me in a gym near you, rolling my eyes.

Why I Haven’t Written a Blog in a While

Hello. There are many rumours going around as to why I haven’t written a post in a while (I’ve been busy studying; I’ve been busy not studying; I forgot my password; I forgot I had an account; blah, blah). Well they’e all false. The real reason, is that I’ve been busy doing some pretty incredible things that I will now recount to you, complete with completely accurate, 100% real, photographic proof for those people who like my wayward statements and out-there claims backed up by “actual evidence”. And in fitting with the format of the blog so far, I will recount it in a counting down list (much like a rocket countdown, or the reverse ranking order of everyone’s favourite Thunderbirds)

5. I climbed Mount Everest:

Boy! When they describe Mount Everest as the “highest mountain in the world” they are really not fudging their words here. It was literally the highest mountain in the world. I mean, I don’t want to brag, but the way up was pretty easy. I mean one mountain is the same as every other mountain and when you’ve done the three peaks of the Yorkshire Dales and had one turn once on a climbing wall at Xscape, you’re equipped to climb pretty much anywhere.

Me on everest

(Excuse my hair in this photo, it was pretty windy that day and my phone was out of memory from the endless photos of ‘perfect snow’ I’d taken to Instagram at a later date)

4. I Went to Space

After coming back from the highest point in the world, I thought “hmm, what challenge can I complete next”. As I thought this, I looked up to the night sky. As my eyes danced from star to star in endless awe, thinking how small I was in the infinite galaxy, I was distracted by the soothing dulcet tones of Professor Brian Cox, who was banging on about Saturn or something. I suddenly had a thought, a Eureka moment, “why not go to space to knock him down a peg or two and replace him in the world of astronomy.” So, as the photo shows, I went to space.

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3. I Found the Lost City of Atlantis

After coming back down to Earth, looking refreshed and feeling more restless than ever (after a 2 year hyperspace hibernation, who isn’t?), I really had to find something to put my mind to. After deciding that I didn’t really like climbing the mountain (and dodging the messages of several Nepalese monks I’d made altitude-drunk plans with) I decided that going the other way, under the sea, would be kind of cool. So I decided I’d help the world out and solve one of life’s great mysteries: what the devil did happen to that city of Atlantis? (Now, I may have initially thought it was Lost City of Atlanta and only gone because I thought the Real Housewives were playing hide and seek). But after a few hours splashing about, I saw something that resembled a building under some seaweed. I moved the seaweed and voila, I found the city *cough* you’re welcome *cough*.

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2. I Helped Barack Out

While I was skipping in the pond, I felt like I should take a skip across the pond and visit Barack Obama. I know Barry’s been given a hard time for his Presidency, but running a country isn’t all that easy. So, I decided to help him out with some policies and such.

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(I did tell President Obama to smile for the camera, but he just couldn’t be torn away from that Sudoku! p.s he never finished it.)

1. I joined Hollywood’s Elite:

After my jet-setting adventures, I needed a break, so I went to cool down and take it easy the way everyone relax: by hanging with the rich and famous in LA. Now these rich and famous are just like everyone else. They don’t want to get up in the morning when their platinum plated alarm clocks sounds, or their butler brings them truffle infused scrambled caviar, and they would prefer a quiet night in with 70-100 of their closest friends rather than having to go out to socialise. They are just like the rest of us. And the number one connection that connects us all? The one thing that having money, power, beauty, fame and a better life doesn’t help with? Taking the perfect selfie. As the photo shows, when I went to LA and decided to go to the Oscars, I was walking by Bradley and Ellen, when they whipped out their phones and pulled me in for a cheeky selfie.

Oscars selfie

(Just after this was taken I was engaged in a vicious argument with Meryl Streep when she accused me of trying to usurp her position in the selfie and “eclipse her star power”. Hmph, diva)

Being Awkward with New Colleagues

 

Hi. Welcome back. (Or welcome me back, because I’m the one who’s been absent for about 27453561 days and you’ve probably not – unless we all mass exodused together, then welcome back to us all) I’d like to say I’ve been so busy getting my life together, but in truth be told I just haven’t been that busy and I’m slipping into a comfortable existential quarter-life post-uni crisis. Anyway, I did get a job and it does involve other people who are also employed and therefore are my colleagues. Colleagues are an interesting bunch aren’t they: some you like, some you don’t, some you’re friends with, some you’re friendly with. Most of my past jobs (I use this term loosely) haven’t had this level of people working alongside me on my level. I have had some success with colleagues and have made some friends, but also haven’t. Maybe they hate me, maybe they want to be me, maybe they don’t get my jokes, whatever, here are ten ways to make friends out of your fellow employee.

5. Offer them a sugary treat: Who doesn’t love sugary treats? Sweets, chocolate, any kind of candy really. (If you do find anyone who doesn’t, they’re either liars or probably the devil and you should run away from them as fast as you can before they eat your soul.) Recently I bought a bag of sweets and put them in my coat pocket to offer to my colleagues. Who doesn’t love a quick dip in a semi-strangers coat pocket for a sweet? Success rate: Ten million friends.

4. Ask them a question about themselves: Now assuming you’ve already asked their age, sex and location (ha), you might be able to move onto something more personal. I find that by adding their Facebook account and scrolling back a few years to find something to ask casually about. Examples include: Did you go dressed up to the last Harry Potter film? Do you like the band Bananarama? Did you enjoy Megan’s Halloween party in 2012 and have an quote unquote ‘buzzin’ time wiv da gang’? Success rate: Many future godparents for your future children.

3. Walk in-sync: My job involves walking around and I once read on Twitter that walking around was the best way to really solidify a friendship especially if your steps match. This may be difficult at first, but persevere, and before long people may think a small army is appearing. I feel walking in-sync solidifies friendship because you are practically the same person for every step you take. Success rate: Best friends, soul mates.

2. Tell a joke: Now this is a risky strategy because not everyone finds things you find funny. Some people are offended with certain jokes about events that happened in the past. Many will give you a ‘too soon’ look. Many will tell you you are going to hell. Many will probably never want to be around a cold-hearted bastard again. But, the important thing is to field them for whether they’ll think they’re funny. If they do, you’re in. Nothing makes friends better than bonding over a horrible situation that happened to someone and people are probably still mourning it. Success rate: Best man/Maid of honour material.

1. Bond (James Bond) outside of work: The sure-fire way of bumping the status from colleague to chum is to see them outside working hours. This is the Hail Mary Pass of Friendship 101. A negative response could result in ridicule, ostracism or restraining orders placed. Examples of how to ask someone to hang out outside of work: I’ve had a nightmare day at work, do you want to drink an alcoholic drink somewhere? Shall we grab a quick pasty before we go home? Will you come with me to get my results from the clinic? Success rate: 100%, climb aboard the friendship train, destination forever-ville.

 

There you go, please use this as a loose guide while you go fishing for friends in this crazy world of employment. Good luck.

 

Long Time No See

Hey bloggers (bloggees? bloggos?) long time no see, how you doing? Did you get a haircut? Have you lost weight? When did you go on holiday? And more questions that express how long it’s been since I’ve been here. Life’s been busy, well, not THAT busy, I’m not the President – or am I? (No) Anyway I’ve been working on making a pilot for a webseries (we’re in preproduction)  as part of my university course. It’s a suspense piece about a world with no diseases….(hooked?) Anyway I thought I’d post the kickstarter link here and see if anyone fancies sharing, donating (even a £1/$1.67/€1.21 will make a huge difference).

 

Otherwise, watch this space….